he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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