Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
