Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
