Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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