Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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