I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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