Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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