Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
