Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
