Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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