Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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