was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
