So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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