you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
