The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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