Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
