tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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