bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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