i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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