I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Life is so much better after having sex.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
