Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
