You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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