that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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