I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
