so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
