if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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