In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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