I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
