I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
