I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
why do cheetos always look like penises
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
