"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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