I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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