That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
