Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
