first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
