Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
