Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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