It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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