do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You ruined the universe
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
