Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I faked an abortion last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
