Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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