made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
