I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
