I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
