Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
