I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
