My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
