We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
