Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
