I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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