Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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