Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
