3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
