i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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